tete-a-tete with nisa

Playing tennis can be thought as living a life.

The more I play, the more I understand who I am.

These are my conclusions after having 8 sessions of exercising:

First,

I am always in hurry.

When the ball comes, closer and closer, I can’t wait to hit.

The result, I miss the ball. Or, I succeed hitting it, but it’s jumping like crazy.  I can’t even predict which direction my ball will go.

Second,

I am way too aggressive.

When the ball comes, closer and closer, I am running even faster to approach.

The result, I become too close with the ball. Again, I miss it. Or, I succeed hitting it, but my body ends up in the most awkward position. I can’t even imagine how strange my movement is, and it’s hurt.

Last,

I can’t do a service.

When it comes to service, my ball barely passes the net.

The result, my ball doesn’t reach its destination. Or, I succeed on delivering it, but it doesn’t arrive to the box it ought to be.  Wrong box baby. FAULT. DOUBLE.

The good news is, my coach always said: It takes time until you can feel. Once you’ve found, then it’ll be yours forever. Keep trying. Don’t be afraid. And don’t take it too seriously.

Then I come questioning myself.

Is it my daily attitude which affecting the way I play? Or, is it my style in playing which will change my daily attitude?

My answer: I don’t care what is affecting what. I’ll do my best in both.

Stop being so hurry. Control aggressiveness. And service sincerely.

Dear God,

I feel so relief.

Thanks for showing me the-easy-to-read signs.

I know Your signs are everywhere, I’ve been told for years.

The problem is, I always distracted by shiny-human things which blinding my heart.

It’s the matter of my blind heart which stop me to read or even see, then I always abandon them.

Until finally You gave me Your present.

Which made me MUST stay on bed.

You know very well how I hate staying on bed when actually I still got many things undone.

So, there I was.

My body was trapped on my bed.

But my mind was not.

It’s dancing, a Samba Dance.

It’s flying, over the rainbow.

and it’s running fast, but not so fast to make me unable enjoying the running itself.

So, there I was. Finally able to see Your scattered signs.

Dear God,

Everything is in balance, isn’t it?

Like how I abandon my 2 nights sleeping turned out to cost me the 2 full days of trapped on bed.

Balance doesn’t always mean equal in number.

When we move a bit further to see the big picture, we’ll see that everything is indeed in balance.

I see, 2 days bed rest is the time needed for my body self healing system to get me back into its balance.

So, here I am.

Back in my balance.

Dear God,

Thanks for the 2 days.

Thanks for the past I have and the future I’ll have.

Mostly, thanks for the present You’re giving.

Thanks for the happy feeling I had hearing the bread boy playing traditional song for its siren this morning.

Thanks for the kindergarten kids cheerful laughter passed the street under my window yesterday morning.

Mostly, thanks for allowing me writing this letter.

I know You’ve read it right in my mind.

But I keep writing for my own reminder.

Human easy to forget, don’t we?

With love,

Nisa

P.S please please keep showing me Your signs and keep my my heart open.

And last, err.., You know, I love You

If you have black, you have to have white..

(*Paul McCartney explaining the Hello Goodbye song)

Recently, my mind’s been disturbed by the absolute relativity.

*Everything, in this world, stands relatively to each other..

In all my life I want to be always happy. Stick in happiness point when and where ever.

Can I? Can we?

Can I have that absolute happiness?

OR, happiness is just a feeling of relief after a long deal with sadness?

The sadder we were, the happier we will be.

*Everything, in this world, has its couple to be compared with..

Like happiness has sadness

Like dawn has night

Like hello has goodbye

Even zero can’t be thought as zero when there’s no one.

You’re thought as a dumb as there’s someone out there who is thought as a smart.

You’re thought as a beauty as there’s someone else plays as an ugly.

You are a rich as your neighbor is not.

This is simply because it’s a lot easier for us, human, to measure something when it changed from its previous state.

Just like, 25 ⁰C won’t make any sense when we don’t have the zero degrees of Celsius. 25 degrees compare to what?

O, how I am so frustrated of this comparing game.

So, who do you think I am?

How smart? Compare to?

How beauty? Compare to?

How succeed? Compare to?

This is how it all works! The relativity is absolute.

Dear God,

You’re the owner of absolutivity. You are the absolute.

Let me be near You to feel it.

Absolute happiness, absolute beauty, absolute fulfillment.

Me: Hello dear, it’s March already. You put a wrong title

Myself: Nope. I do mean it.

Me: Haha, it’s MARCH baby. No one write any resolution on March. It should be something like “Resolution Progress” or “How far I’ve gone this year” or “Additional Resolution”. Go change the title or write something more proper for March.

Myself: That’s the problem!! I don’t even have one. How can I see how far the path I’ve made when I still don’t decide which path I’ll make..

That’s why I put “2 0 1 0 Resolution” instead of “New Year Resolution” as the title. I do understand 2 0 1 0 is not a NEW year anymore. This year has gone for almost three months. Even we don’t call it a pair of new shoes when it’s been used for three months, hehe..

Don’t worry; I’ll consider March as the starting point. So I will not put anything I have done on January, February and March.

Me: ^&$^%@#%*&()(!!!

Keep going baby. I still love you.

And finally me and myself collide back into one unity………

Frankly said, this is my first time listing points of thing I should achieve for the whole year. I’m a bit nervous to show them up. I’m not even used to list them in my head. My resolutions were just always…. NOTHING. No explanation, I never had one. Never even think to have one.

In the end of the year I usually can just only smile while saying goodbye to the months I’ve left behind and ready to say hello to other months I’ll see ahead. Nothing to contemplate and nothing to plan.

So here I go. I will have my list this year (anyway, this is one of my 2 0 1 0 resolution, ha ha). Hope this list will act as a guide for me, to show the way when I get lost someday in the middle of the year and don’t know where to go. Bismillah.

My 2 0 1 0 Resolution:

1. Finish my research

2. Finish my final assignment

3. Getting a high score in TOEFL IBT Test

4. Joining a Yoga class

5. Swimming once in a week

6. Living a healthy life

7. Exploring Jogja more J

8. Starting my exploration in how to live my life

Quiet simple, aren’t they? But succeed on achieving all points you’ve put in your list doesn’t mean you’ve achieved everything. The list is only the ground level of the building you will make. When we stand on the top of our high building, it’s easier to touch the sky and also it’s easier to see everything below, as a system, not only in partial view which usually lead us to the incomplete understanding. So I will build my new high building this year with the support of strong basement. Wish me luck!

P. S I will make a special note for point #8. It’s so important and I think will be so fun to do

It is happen in a sudden when i heard a news about you.

Old pictures of our old school activities, old friends, old dorm, just flashing in my mind. I didn’t know you a lot, you’re not even my special friend or my best friend, we didnt share a room, we never been in the same class. But what happen to you today really got me thinking.

I dont know your brother either, never seen his face, never said his name in a conversation, never even think to meet, but what happen to him really got me thinking.

Dear God, I know I rarely make a request to you. But now, please answer this pray. I dont ask for my own interest, but for her, for his brother, for her family. Keep them strong to face this fact of life. Keep their spirit up to face another fact of life. Keep their positive head to contemplate all fact of life, amen.

Goodbye my dearest brother, I just know you from your sister, from her spirit, from her modesty, form her loyality.  She told me once that she learned those from you, and you know, I learned those from her. Thank you brother, your spirit will always live and encourage me when I feel like giving up.

 Rest in peace!

How does it feel to be a minority?

I never tought to be the one in the position before, not before I attended Waisak celebration on May 16th. I was asked by one of  my friend, who is Budhist, to attend the event called “Berbagi Kasih dalam Kasih Waisak” (sharing love in Waisak celebration). Worryness and doubt were the first words I felt inside. His invitation really surprised me, I never thought someone with different faith will invite me to his/her holy day celebration, attending other’s religion holy day celebration is not a common thing in Indonesia. He knew my insecurity and assured me there’s nothing but dancing performances,  musical drama, and music performance. Then I thought, “It’s worth a try Nisa!”. Well, you never know what you’ve missed when you’re not involved in, so I decide to come, with great curiosity of course.

The drama was soo funny, the music performance was also very relaxing and the best part was the dancing performance, which was trained and performed by students, it was soo beautiful how they’re palying with flashlight they held in hand.

There’s also a session when they stood and prayed, I follow them to stand and see. Frankly said, I was a bit clumsy being on the situation, confused what I’m supposed to do. Then a flash of awareness came to my head saying, “Oh my God, this is might be how they’re feel everyday”.  Living as a moslem in Indonesia is very easy compared than many stories I heard how it is in western country. Everyone I know or just yesterday I met seems like having the same religion.  In general ocassion, it’s quite often to pray in moslem way, and I never tought it can make someone feeling so “uncomfortable”.

Now it’s very clear for me how beautiful a tolerance is. Indonesia consists of many ethnics, races and religions. Can you imagine if we don’t have that kind of understanding and acceptance? I can’t.

tick tock
tick tock

knock knock
knock knock

It’s been a while I’m not feeding this blog cos of many reasons and many no reasons. Well, now here I’m back with another tought.

Today after finishing my third exam of mid term I feel like being wised up of what really iritate me in these past 2 months. I’ve been trying to find what really happened, why I’m always afraid without knowing what I’m afraid of, or why I always feel like being hunted.

Finally I found the answer. I watched Mario Teguh-the Golden Way (not really sure bout the show’s name) show in Metro TV this afternoon and one of his question really attacked me. He asked the audience, “What will perfectly undoubtfully iritate us Ladies and Gentlemen?”.
Surprisingly his answer is,”your dream will”. “You will completely get hurt when you have a dream and make a distance in actualizing it”. Whew, what a words!!

Yeeeaaahhhh, straight to the point. He gave me a slap, right to my unproductive months. That’s it. I’ve been setting a distance between my dream(s) and actions to actualize them.

I wont tell you in this post what my dreams are, or what did I take as my new year resolutions but it is true that I’ve been hurting myself. There isnt any of those resolutions turned into a real action. It’s April already but none of them have come into real, Ladies and Gentlemen.

My point is, when you’re already found your dream or knowing what you really like, keep the fire flare up, stay passionate on it and dont ever create a space between your dream and your act. Get rid everythings which block your way, usually it will be your own tought of unselfconfidence. I dont want get hurt anymore!!

Now I’m gonna recheck my life schedule, rearrange it and refresh it with a new flare.
You’d better do!

Goodluck babe, ride your new colored bicycle..

……..
Dear friends,

So sorry I didnt give any response 2 your msg since yesterday..
And also sorry that i cant participate in today’s interview..
……..
……..

That was my morning message to some of my friends. For me, it was the escape from months thinking the same thing. Yes, I’m in the middle of something big. Something I started with passion but today become something which I have to run away from, fiuhhh..
That’s what people call a boredom.

I just need my time.
I know you all can do your best without me today. Sometimes I’m afraid you can’t, that’s why I never reject to give any help. But then I realized, you’re all the grown up people. You should know what to do without asking too much, without being told too often.

Sorry, I’m just tired.
Goodluck my dear friends!!

I always amaze of how God works. Every second He makes everything flow amazingly, unexpectable, unpredicted and sometimes not that understandable. However, I always believe He will always give the very best thing for us.

I am a chemical engineering student. You know exactly what will happen when I graduate. Apply for a job in one of Oil Company, chemical product industry, or maybe become a lecture.

However, I have a great passion in business. When my other friends thinking what company he/ she will work in next 2 years, when my family keep encouraging me to work in one big oil company, I’m standing still and thinking. I will work in my own company. That’s what I’ve been dreaming about. But it’s not that easy to have this different thought.

“Are you serious?”
“If you do business, you’re just wasting your time studying here”
Or
“Nisa, come, Total is open its course!”

Yeah, I’ve been living with those kind of questions and statements, at least in these past two years. I didn’t say that I’m not interested in this chemical engineering field. I can say I love everything I got from my classes. I just prefer not to use them to get a job in oil company or other chemical industries, that’s it!

This is the situation:
I read two different announcements two days ago. One invites me to join Hysis Class (Hysis is one important software for chemical engineers to make a simulation of a process) while the other call me to come in entrepreneur seminar for young engineer.

Hahaha
I just keep standing still. Going nowhere. It’s only my mind going here and there, confused. And it’s only one case in my days. I have bunch of these confused situations that lead me nowhere.

But today I can see the wonderful unpredicted God’s way. He shows me the way. I just can feel it. I have no more words to say but Bismillah, I’ll start my way

Yaayyyy!!!!!

Senin pagi, minggu pertama libur semester ganjil, ujian bioproses

Do you want to know how I did the test?

On the phone conversation

Me : Venry, kamu masih nyimpen soal bioproses gak?
Venry: Iya masih Nis. Kenapa?
Me : Bisa tolong bacain gak soalnya apa aja? Aku mau ujian ni Ven.
………
………
Venry: (read all the questions)
Me : typed them into my notebook
………
………

I did the test in my own room, alone. But as you read above, I wouldnt disappoint her by cheating. No book was opened, no notes, no internet. Nothing but paper, pen and 60 minutes. How could I cheat after all the ease?

Fyi, it was 4 questions test which I couldnt finish all cos of time limit